At last, a ranking system to sort wheat from chaff

The Best University in the World pageant consists of talent and academic robe competitions plus points for alumni achievements, catchy slogans and inspirational mission statements.

The vice-chancellor of NUT­TY, who won the talent competition with a spirited rendition of Gaudeamus Igitur, was “thrilled and overjoyed” with this recognition of his leadership. The talent competition contributed 15 per cent to the overall score.

NUTTY gained another 10 per cent because of its distinguished alumni. Among these is Simon Fullup, who graduated with the class of 1970. Simon won the 1979 national sausage-eating contest, downing 12 foot-longs in a single session.

The judges also were impressed with the university’s slogan, “Anyone Can Study at NUTTY”. According to one judge, the NUTTY slogan is “both inclusive and alliterative”. The slogan counted 15 per cent of the total score.

The VC’s stunning black gown easily won the academic dress competition. The robe, designed for the pageant, had traditional academic flourishes including a scarlet cape and a variety of gold-embroidered insignias. (The rumour that these were copied from a Harry Potter movie was denied by a NUTTY spokesman.)

The VC’s mortarboard included a whimsical touch — a solar-powered propeller. Altogether, the evening gown category contributed 10 per cent to the final score.

The make-or-break moment came in the mission statement category, which counted 50 per cent of the final score. NUTTY triumphed with the following statement, which the judges described as “beyond parody”.

“Going forward, NUTTY strives to fill the education space with human capital to drive the knowledge economy by filling skill shortages, in typing, tiling and yodelling.”

Steven Schwartz is a Senior Fellow at the Centre for Independent Studies.